Breif Summary

It has been a loooooooong time and I am so sorry for my neglect. I honestly was sorta devastated when God told me to come back and stay in San Jose instead of continuing my journey to Florida. Let me breifly tell you of the last 6 months. Basically, I came back to San Jose out of obedience to Christ, and the Lord truly met every need. The church I got involved with, Calvary Chapel San Jose, offered me a job, and a gal I met, Shelly, offered me housing. So I started working and living fairly nearby. One of the first things God did was bring me these awesome relationships and friends. I realized that the most effective form of "ministry" was not called ministry at all. It is called a relationship. I have had the awesome opportunity to see some amazing spiritual growth in people I have met down here and grown myself in so many areas. Honestly, the cost of obedience is great. The battle has been ferocious and there have been times that I wanted to come home. I have poured myself completely out for the coffeeshop I am working in and given my heart to the friends God has given me. I honestly feel completely empty and void with nothing left to give at this point. But somehow, I manage to wake every day and have the strength to make it through. I know that it is God's strength pulling me through everyday. I know that no matter how hard things get, it is by His great grace that I am not burning in hell right now. Because that is what I deserve. The last couple months have been especially hard and any prayers you could muster would be coveted.

Weather You Want Me To Or Not, I Will Love You Always

Back in January I had this dream. It was really vivid so I wrote it down not really knowing what to make of it at the time. In this dream there was a robber dressed in black who broke the window of my apartment with a knife. He was trying to break in and steal all my stuff. Well after grabbing the phone to call the police, I ran to another window and was yelling at him to stop and calling for help from the neighbors. As I was doing this I suddenly died and started vomiting. I had a few thoughts that I was going to die before leaving, but having always wanted to be a martyr, this did not bother me too much.

I want to share with you the experience I had leaving Bakersfield to come back to San Jose. Of coarse when I first made the decision to come back I had peace and felt perfect about it. Well the Tuesday I was leaving, I started having all these fearful thoughts and was basically mortified of coming back. You see, there were some pretty amazing friendships that were started and I just knew that if I went back, those friendships would get real. Life always gets real at some point, and that means getting messy. I kinda wanted that awesome experience to stay awesome, but now I was going back to find that maybe it wasn't as great as I thought. Maybe it would all turn out to be a mirage. Well in coming back I didn't have much direction except to go back to the relationships that were started the week I was there, to be a true friend to them, and to love them unconditionally. In that instruction from the Lord however I knew that He was going to have to teach me how to do that. My take on friends has always been conditional. If this person likes me and makes an effort to be my friend, then I will invest in them too and it will be a loving mutual situation. But you see there are times when that person maybe doesn't call me back and isn't paying much attention to me and I feel like they must not want to be my friend and thus stop loving them as such. It made me think about what kind of friend Jesus was to me. How horrible would it be if I was getting too busy in my life, which has happened a lot, and just didn't have much time for Him, so He decided to leave me? "LORD don't leave me alone!" I could never survive without Him! It made me so thankful that He never lets go of us. This phrase came to mind as I was thinking about the Lord's faithfulness to us. "I love you. No matter what you do or don't do, I will love you. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I will love you. No matter how hard it gets and what we have to go through, I will still love you. Weather you want me to or not, I will love you always." That is what God has said to us, and that is what He wants me to say to others. God's love is not conditional! He loves us no matter what and no matter how we have hurt Him. So one of my new San Jose friends was not calling me back and I was tempted to go back to my "whatever, I don't even like you anymore" attitude. Convicted of this because of my new task from God, I made myself love and pray for them, which actually gave me more love in my heart for that person. I also knew that even thought I was scared, I needed to go back to my people in San Jose. I also know that God was sending me back as a blessing to me. To have so many awesome people all in one place and a church that has the same heart as I do for evangelism, that is definitely a huge blessing.

So in light of all I went through in my mind trying to leave Bakersfield to come home to San Jose, my dream spoke to me in a new way. I saw the robber as the enemy who comes to "kill, steal, and destroy". He broke into my window, which is how I view things, trying to destroy how I viewed friends and coming back to San Jose. He also wanted to come in and steal all my blessings in going back to San Jose and also wanted to kill me, which is his ultimate plan for our lives. But because of that, I called the police, which is a picture of authority which happens to be God in my case. Then as I died I began vomiting which is the purging of old things that should be no more in your life. Death in a dream usually speaks of new beginnings or a new phase in life. I see that because of the enemy trying to attack me and ruin my life, it caused me to draw closer to Jesus and rid myself of all these old ideas that I had about friends that were totally wrong. It also caused me to die to myself and believe God and His plans for me! I feel like Abraham when he left and knew not where he was to go. Seriously guys, I have no idea how long I will be here or what kind of ministry God will have me be a part of. I am currently seeking a part-time job for financial support and know God will open the right door for me. Other than doing what I can everyday, the Lord has ruined my plans so that I would take up His plans. I just know that although I do not know what tomorrow holds for me, God does, and He is faithful!

Going Back To San Jose

Well, I haven't blogged in a while because I have been trying to get my thoughts together so they are understandable. I had such and awesome time in San Jose. I met so may amazing people who love the Lord and was honored to be involved with a rad church that is doing local missions, which is what is obviously on my heart right now. Many people told me not to go including family and friends that don't even live in San Jose. Well I started praying about if I was even supposed to leave or not. I felt like the Lord wanted me to ask from Him a sign. So I asked this sign from God and He did not show me that before I left. So I left. I made it to Bakersfield CA and the first night I was here I started experiencing turmoil about my choice in leaving. I felt like I could not go on unless I was absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing. Not to mention that all my finances pretty much prohibited me from going any further. So I sought the Lord and had even a woman I had met only hours before telling me to go back. You see, I thought that those connections I had made and love that I experienced must have only been because I was passing through. Like I was valuable because I was leaving soon. It's easy to love someone if you know that it will only be for a short time. If I did go back, surely they would realize that I was just like any other and I would find out that everything awesome I had experienced, wasn't real at all. Well my brother in law gave me some scripture to read out of James 3:13-18. He said when I read that I would know which choice was the right one. Also Isaiah 30:21. Well the James one was about wisdom from heaven and how it brought peace and earthly wisdom brought strife. Isaiah is the one that says you will hear the voice of the Lord behind you saying to go this way or that way. As soon as I read it I knew I was supposed to go back to San Jose. At that moment I felt all of that turmoil leave me.

I grew up in an imperfect home with disputes going on around me and struggling just to make ends meet. In my adult years following I had created other struggles because of sinful choices I had made and the consequences that came with them. After having that real experience of a personal relationship with the Lord, which was about 5 years ago now, there were growing pains and other things I was struggling with. Then when I thought the Lord was blessing me with this adventure I had yearned for, the beginning of this experience met opposition and difficulty I had not expected. I was so blessed in San Jose but I guess my thoughts were "if I dedicate my life to following God, it is going to be one struggle after another. I accept that. I welcome it if that means I get to be close to God and fulfill my destiny. Surely God would not bless me with something that would make me so happy as to stay here with all these wonderful new friends." I wish I can say I was like Jacob and held on to that Angel until I got the blessing. But instead I went on thinking God would not bless me so greatly. Well let me tell you my friends, if you lose your life for Christ's sake, you will gain it back! I now see that God really does delight to give His children good gifts. I almost can't believe that God is this good! So gracious toward us! Also I realized that I had been asking for signs forever. I would say, if this happens then I will do that. The Lord took that 3rd party out of the equation and showed me that His word will speak directly to me and I have no need for something else to guide me. I thought the Lord was telling me I should ask for that sign, but I was wrong. He was showing me that I can hear His voice just fine and He will guide my heart at all times. Also He showed me that I need to not get so focused on the "Mission" or the "Ministry" that I loose sight of the One who sent me in the first place. So honestly, I have hesitated in blogging this because I thought people might be disappointed that I wasn't going to Florida right now as my original plan stated. But God is going to be doing amazing things in San Jose and He will not disappoint us! The church has a summer filled with more local outreaches and missions, which means I will have the body to partner with, and I met so many people that have a desire to see people saved. I am praying about all the details like where I will live and work and who to be involved with while I am there in ministry. I am not just going back to life as normal, my mission is still to fervently share the gospel with the lost. I am thinking about just a part time job in some secular place so I can learn how to merge missions with normal life, and still have lots of time for evangelism. I just know that I need to be open to my plans changing and the Lord directing me. Obviously your prayers are coveted and I just know that this is going to be one great summer!!!!!! There has been fruit from the time I was in San Jose and I do believe that there will be much more! I earnestly urge you to be obedient to the Lord! Whatever He is calling you to do! No matter how hard it seems and how scared you are. He wants to bless you beyond your imagination, but you may not find that land of plenty if you never step out to see. You will hear his voice behind you saying which way to go. So go now!!!! Go now!!!!!

I Receive All Things From His Hand

I was watching this movie with some of my new church family down here in San Jose called Defiance. If you haven't seen it I will give you a little overview. I didn't actually watch the whole thing because I was talking on the phone for over half of it. But basically it is about the Jews during the time of WWII I believe, and there was a group of them trying to get away from the Germans. Well they had lost everything and tons of them were killed and even more were dying from sickness. They were out in the forest and even just trying to get food was a risk. Well I walked in near the end of the movie to this Rabi saying a prayer to God. He was saying for God to chose another people because they did not want to go through these tough times any more. Man that hit me like a semi. Just earlier I was saying the end part of that prayer that I didn't want to go through these tough times any more. But it made me realize that there is always a price to pay. I could live the easy life and decide that I didn't want to belong to God, or I can push forward through the pain and know God's hand in my life like few do. It made me realize that if I could trade all the pain I have ever felt for not knowing what I know of my Savior, there isn't a chance in hell I would do it. It gave me fresh conviction that no matter how difficult or ominous the task seems, I need to press in with all my strength and move forward in the calling God put on my life.

I have been so blessed this last week by the fellowship and amazing people here in San Jose. I never expected to meet people I would love so quickly and cherish so deeply. I didn't plan on dealing with pain in leaving this place after just two weeks. I didn't know that God would bless me with the fruit of my labor as He did. But I receive all things from His hand, weather good or bad, and I trust that it is all bringing about more amazing things than I would have ever dreamed for myself. I have been trying to pray all morning and it is so much harder to do it alone. I have done things alone for a long time now but am realizing the weight of that solitude after being able to partner with the Calvary Chapel here. Please please pray for me. Pray that I would have the determination to labor in prayer and that I wouldn't be playing the defence but watching God be victorious. It is going to be a very hard next few days for me. My emotions are frenzied and stress is at a peek. Wash me in Your word Lord Jesus and quiet me with Your love!

God Is Mighty To Save!!!

Praise God!!!!!! I have been working with Calvary Chapel San Jose all week and I just have to say, they have been the biggest blessing to me since I left Oregon! It just so happened, and by that I mean God totally perfectly planned it all out before time began, that they are doing something called the Jerusalem Project while I am here. Basically to preach the gospel in Jerusalem and Judea. They did an outreach to San Francisco last week and this week is San Jose. From the very beginning I knew things were going to go well. The Lord had been speaking to me specific things about evangelism there in SF and when I heard about what the Lord was telling them, it matched up perfectly. On Tuesday we did a prayer walk around the neighborhood and got to pray for some people. We also got to take sandwiches down to a homeless shelter after we went to a mountain top that overlooked the city and prayed for a couple hours. There I got to talk to a guy who had recently been released from prison. He was a gang member and a murderer. I was with a 16 year old girl named Andrea and we shared the gospel with him and spoke to some of his reservations. On Wednesday I would say was the day I felt attacked. I see that the main tactic satan has been using as I prepare to go share the gospel, is that I am completely dissuaded. So that was how I felt. We went to the park and talked to some people, but we also spent a lot of time in prayer. Well yesterday it was all clear why I was feeling that way. It was a battle in the morning as we earnestly prayed for that evening. But we persevered in prayer until the Lord gave us peace and joy. Thursday nights in San Jose they have a gathering called Music in the Park. They have bands that play and vendors selling beer and food. It basically a public party. Well we showed up with something like 1200 bottles of water and boxes of bibles, sandwiches, chips, all kinds of goodies. People flocked and tons of people wanted the bibles too! I still haven't heard all of the accounts of the day but three people that my partner Shelly and I talked to got saved!!! I was so amazing. To see their faces as they received Jesus was beautiful!! There was literally a light in their eyes. Today we handed out fliers and went door to door meeting the people in the neighborhood and invited them to a bar-b-q we are putting on tomorrow. There will be some pro skaters putting on a demo, basketball and volleyball tournaments, and free food. I am excited to see what God will do tomorrow. I am exhausted. Most nights I didn't get home till around 10 pm. But I just had to take advantage of these incredible people at this church! They are all so awesome and it has been my great honor to work beside them. I cant believe that I got so attached but it will be very hard to leave next week. I was telling my sister how perfect it has been here and that I just don't see how it could be this perfect ever again! Oh me of little faith. Well I have so much more to fill you in on like some of the scriptures God used but I am so tired and have to wake and the break of dawn so I will be blogging in more detail in the very near future. Love you all so much and am so thankful for all of your prayers! Isn't it awesome and rad what God did?! He never ceases to amaze me.

The Night Season

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust. O my soul, you have said to the LORD, "You are my Lord, My goodness is nothing apart from You." As for the saints who are on the earth, "They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight." Their sorrows shall be multiplied who hasten after another god; Their drink offerings of blood I will not offer, Nor take up their names on my lips. O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. I will bless the LORD who has given me counsel; My heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Since I left Oregon I seem to have this dark cloud hanging over me. Every step seems to require concentrated effort and force. I have honestly wondered if I made the right choice in leaving. Even after confirmation upon confirmation and promise upon promise from God I wonder. I feel completely inadequate and unequipped. However, I know that these thoughts do not come from God. They come from my own weakness and from the enemy who seeks to destroy us all. Even in my own faithlessness God is still faithful. Why? That is just who he is. Even in my weakness He chooses mercy for me. "My goodness is nothing apart from YOU!!!" I am humbled by His goodness. I am weak in the knees from His love for me. I am comforted in my sorrow and trust all of His plans for me. The scars He bore are beyond beauty and His broken heart for the hurting and lost are more precious than diamonds. And I love diamonds :)

Last week I did some solo work on the streets of downtown San Jose. I was able to share the gospel with quite a few people and am learning so much about how to share that Good News and the importance of my own personal testimony. Each time I share the Gospel it gets easier and more clear. It is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. I was hugely, wait let me put the right emphasis there, HUGELY, blessed by Calvary Chapel San Jose. They felt like God had them not do foreign missions this year to focus on the local area. They spent last week in San Fran, in the same area I was in even, doing the same kind of relational based evangelism. This week they will be outreaching in San Jose and I will be able to partner with them and I can't even tell you how refreshing it is to be a part of the body here even if only for a short time. I mean, I wasn't even going to come to this area but the Lord kinda pulled me in this direction. I love how He worked all that out so perfect. I was encouraged to hear the account of those who also had gone to SF and experienced the same sort of discouraging thoughts because I realized that was not coming from God. Our hearts will instruct us in the night season and my heart is telling me not to be moved by adversity even though I am having this internal struggle. Last night the reoccurring word from the Lord was prayer, prayer, prayer. I need to be encouraged by God and I can only get that by talking to Him! Without God I am nothing and without his Spirit I am ineffective. I need to be prayerful every moment if I am going to make it through the night season. Please be praying for all of us who will be out there this week. God IS going to do awesome things. Among other things my prayer is that we might humble ourselves before our God to seek from Him a safe journey for us. That God would be glorified and Jesus would be lifted high. That souls would be healed and set free! That emptiness would be filled and that we would walk closely with our God.

San Fracisco to San Jose

So last week I worked really hard to make necklaces and hair clips to sell at the Haight Street Festival. I was hoping to sell out and make some gas money. But, I only sold two necklaces and made 30 bucks. Not what I was hoping for, and really neither was the festival. It was basically a big party scene. Everybody was doing drugs and drinking. There was a guy next to me selling glass pipes and he completely sold out of his stock. Everybody and their mom was buying things from him. And literally someones mom. This 40ish couple came by with pleated khaky pants and a polo shirt tucked in, buying a pipe. All the trannies walking by and addicts gathering together. It was a sad a broken place. It was literally the fringes of society. But, God sees each of their faces and wants to save them all. Unfortunately, most of them don't want to be saved. I did however get to share the gospel with two different people. I remember sitting there asking for God to send me whoever was ready to hear the gospel, it's hard to believe there was only 2 out of thousands! But that is our God isn't it? Leave the flock to find the one lost sheep? There was this really creepy guy that was walking around me when I was out there. Honestly I felt like he was possessed or something. Have you ever seen a video of a shark? Well you know how they don't look at you but sorta just swim by looking scary? That is how this guy looked. He didn't look at me but walked by multiple times and I just got this uneasy feeling of danger. I felt like it was army against army. I began to pray for all the people that those spirits were torturing that they would be set free and for that particular stronghold of satan's to be released. I also felt like he wanted to rob me, and when I put my backpack on and faced him square with a pointed look in my eye, he still had that blank look in his eye. Like he wasn't searching for something specific, just something. It was really scary. But nothing bad happened. God really is watching out for me.

Now I am in San Jose and staying at my aunt and uncle's house. I get to be plugged into electricity!!!! YAY!!! It's weird trying to live in the US as a missionary with just the basics in the middle of American indulgence. We buy anything we want whenever we feel like it. Why doesn't anyone want to hear the gospel? Maybe they are to busy listening to their iPods, I don't know. But as I learn more about missions work here in the US, I am more determined to make a difference. There have been moments where I feel like I am not making progress and that my impact is, at best, minimal in any given area. Granted I do not know the eternal impact of my actions, but we all want to see some kind of outcome from our hard work, right? Well that is my struggle right now. Every place I go I have to forge my way and it can be tiring. This week in San Jose I am looking into partnering with a church to do some outreaches here in the city. I am also trying to find some temp work to make a little gas money. I will admit that Texas seems a little daunting. I would love to go through it having the money I need for gas, but I will have to see how the Lord is going to provide. Apparently my necklaces aren't going to be enough!!!!! Hahahaha. Anyways, so this week I will do some more music and street evangelism and see how things go here. I continue to pray for a harvest and know that no matter what, God called me to this road and He wont leave me!