Weather You Want Me To Or Not, I Will Love You Always

Back in January I had this dream. It was really vivid so I wrote it down not really knowing what to make of it at the time. In this dream there was a robber dressed in black who broke the window of my apartment with a knife. He was trying to break in and steal all my stuff. Well after grabbing the phone to call the police, I ran to another window and was yelling at him to stop and calling for help from the neighbors. As I was doing this I suddenly died and started vomiting. I had a few thoughts that I was going to die before leaving, but having always wanted to be a martyr, this did not bother me too much.

I want to share with you the experience I had leaving Bakersfield to come back to San Jose. Of coarse when I first made the decision to come back I had peace and felt perfect about it. Well the Tuesday I was leaving, I started having all these fearful thoughts and was basically mortified of coming back. You see, there were some pretty amazing friendships that were started and I just knew that if I went back, those friendships would get real. Life always gets real at some point, and that means getting messy. I kinda wanted that awesome experience to stay awesome, but now I was going back to find that maybe it wasn't as great as I thought. Maybe it would all turn out to be a mirage. Well in coming back I didn't have much direction except to go back to the relationships that were started the week I was there, to be a true friend to them, and to love them unconditionally. In that instruction from the Lord however I knew that He was going to have to teach me how to do that. My take on friends has always been conditional. If this person likes me and makes an effort to be my friend, then I will invest in them too and it will be a loving mutual situation. But you see there are times when that person maybe doesn't call me back and isn't paying much attention to me and I feel like they must not want to be my friend and thus stop loving them as such. It made me think about what kind of friend Jesus was to me. How horrible would it be if I was getting too busy in my life, which has happened a lot, and just didn't have much time for Him, so He decided to leave me? "LORD don't leave me alone!" I could never survive without Him! It made me so thankful that He never lets go of us. This phrase came to mind as I was thinking about the Lord's faithfulness to us. "I love you. No matter what you do or don't do, I will love you. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I will love you. No matter how hard it gets and what we have to go through, I will still love you. Weather you want me to or not, I will love you always." That is what God has said to us, and that is what He wants me to say to others. God's love is not conditional! He loves us no matter what and no matter how we have hurt Him. So one of my new San Jose friends was not calling me back and I was tempted to go back to my "whatever, I don't even like you anymore" attitude. Convicted of this because of my new task from God, I made myself love and pray for them, which actually gave me more love in my heart for that person. I also knew that even thought I was scared, I needed to go back to my people in San Jose. I also know that God was sending me back as a blessing to me. To have so many awesome people all in one place and a church that has the same heart as I do for evangelism, that is definitely a huge blessing.

So in light of all I went through in my mind trying to leave Bakersfield to come home to San Jose, my dream spoke to me in a new way. I saw the robber as the enemy who comes to "kill, steal, and destroy". He broke into my window, which is how I view things, trying to destroy how I viewed friends and coming back to San Jose. He also wanted to come in and steal all my blessings in going back to San Jose and also wanted to kill me, which is his ultimate plan for our lives. But because of that, I called the police, which is a picture of authority which happens to be God in my case. Then as I died I began vomiting which is the purging of old things that should be no more in your life. Death in a dream usually speaks of new beginnings or a new phase in life. I see that because of the enemy trying to attack me and ruin my life, it caused me to draw closer to Jesus and rid myself of all these old ideas that I had about friends that were totally wrong. It also caused me to die to myself and believe God and His plans for me! I feel like Abraham when he left and knew not where he was to go. Seriously guys, I have no idea how long I will be here or what kind of ministry God will have me be a part of. I am currently seeking a part-time job for financial support and know God will open the right door for me. Other than doing what I can everyday, the Lord has ruined my plans so that I would take up His plans. I just know that although I do not know what tomorrow holds for me, God does, and He is faithful!

Going Back To San Jose

Well, I haven't blogged in a while because I have been trying to get my thoughts together so they are understandable. I had such and awesome time in San Jose. I met so may amazing people who love the Lord and was honored to be involved with a rad church that is doing local missions, which is what is obviously on my heart right now. Many people told me not to go including family and friends that don't even live in San Jose. Well I started praying about if I was even supposed to leave or not. I felt like the Lord wanted me to ask from Him a sign. So I asked this sign from God and He did not show me that before I left. So I left. I made it to Bakersfield CA and the first night I was here I started experiencing turmoil about my choice in leaving. I felt like I could not go on unless I was absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing. Not to mention that all my finances pretty much prohibited me from going any further. So I sought the Lord and had even a woman I had met only hours before telling me to go back. You see, I thought that those connections I had made and love that I experienced must have only been because I was passing through. Like I was valuable because I was leaving soon. It's easy to love someone if you know that it will only be for a short time. If I did go back, surely they would realize that I was just like any other and I would find out that everything awesome I had experienced, wasn't real at all. Well my brother in law gave me some scripture to read out of James 3:13-18. He said when I read that I would know which choice was the right one. Also Isaiah 30:21. Well the James one was about wisdom from heaven and how it brought peace and earthly wisdom brought strife. Isaiah is the one that says you will hear the voice of the Lord behind you saying to go this way or that way. As soon as I read it I knew I was supposed to go back to San Jose. At that moment I felt all of that turmoil leave me.

I grew up in an imperfect home with disputes going on around me and struggling just to make ends meet. In my adult years following I had created other struggles because of sinful choices I had made and the consequences that came with them. After having that real experience of a personal relationship with the Lord, which was about 5 years ago now, there were growing pains and other things I was struggling with. Then when I thought the Lord was blessing me with this adventure I had yearned for, the beginning of this experience met opposition and difficulty I had not expected. I was so blessed in San Jose but I guess my thoughts were "if I dedicate my life to following God, it is going to be one struggle after another. I accept that. I welcome it if that means I get to be close to God and fulfill my destiny. Surely God would not bless me with something that would make me so happy as to stay here with all these wonderful new friends." I wish I can say I was like Jacob and held on to that Angel until I got the blessing. But instead I went on thinking God would not bless me so greatly. Well let me tell you my friends, if you lose your life for Christ's sake, you will gain it back! I now see that God really does delight to give His children good gifts. I almost can't believe that God is this good! So gracious toward us! Also I realized that I had been asking for signs forever. I would say, if this happens then I will do that. The Lord took that 3rd party out of the equation and showed me that His word will speak directly to me and I have no need for something else to guide me. I thought the Lord was telling me I should ask for that sign, but I was wrong. He was showing me that I can hear His voice just fine and He will guide my heart at all times. Also He showed me that I need to not get so focused on the "Mission" or the "Ministry" that I loose sight of the One who sent me in the first place. So honestly, I have hesitated in blogging this because I thought people might be disappointed that I wasn't going to Florida right now as my original plan stated. But God is going to be doing amazing things in San Jose and He will not disappoint us! The church has a summer filled with more local outreaches and missions, which means I will have the body to partner with, and I met so many people that have a desire to see people saved. I am praying about all the details like where I will live and work and who to be involved with while I am there in ministry. I am not just going back to life as normal, my mission is still to fervently share the gospel with the lost. I am thinking about just a part time job in some secular place so I can learn how to merge missions with normal life, and still have lots of time for evangelism. I just know that I need to be open to my plans changing and the Lord directing me. Obviously your prayers are coveted and I just know that this is going to be one great summer!!!!!! There has been fruit from the time I was in San Jose and I do believe that there will be much more! I earnestly urge you to be obedient to the Lord! Whatever He is calling you to do! No matter how hard it seems and how scared you are. He wants to bless you beyond your imagination, but you may not find that land of plenty if you never step out to see. You will hear his voice behind you saying which way to go. So go now!!!! Go now!!!!!