Weather You Want Me To Or Not, I Will Love You Always

Back in January I had this dream. It was really vivid so I wrote it down not really knowing what to make of it at the time. In this dream there was a robber dressed in black who broke the window of my apartment with a knife. He was trying to break in and steal all my stuff. Well after grabbing the phone to call the police, I ran to another window and was yelling at him to stop and calling for help from the neighbors. As I was doing this I suddenly died and started vomiting. I had a few thoughts that I was going to die before leaving, but having always wanted to be a martyr, this did not bother me too much.

I want to share with you the experience I had leaving Bakersfield to come back to San Jose. Of coarse when I first made the decision to come back I had peace and felt perfect about it. Well the Tuesday I was leaving, I started having all these fearful thoughts and was basically mortified of coming back. You see, there were some pretty amazing friendships that were started and I just knew that if I went back, those friendships would get real. Life always gets real at some point, and that means getting messy. I kinda wanted that awesome experience to stay awesome, but now I was going back to find that maybe it wasn't as great as I thought. Maybe it would all turn out to be a mirage. Well in coming back I didn't have much direction except to go back to the relationships that were started the week I was there, to be a true friend to them, and to love them unconditionally. In that instruction from the Lord however I knew that He was going to have to teach me how to do that. My take on friends has always been conditional. If this person likes me and makes an effort to be my friend, then I will invest in them too and it will be a loving mutual situation. But you see there are times when that person maybe doesn't call me back and isn't paying much attention to me and I feel like they must not want to be my friend and thus stop loving them as such. It made me think about what kind of friend Jesus was to me. How horrible would it be if I was getting too busy in my life, which has happened a lot, and just didn't have much time for Him, so He decided to leave me? "LORD don't leave me alone!" I could never survive without Him! It made me so thankful that He never lets go of us. This phrase came to mind as I was thinking about the Lord's faithfulness to us. "I love you. No matter what you do or don't do, I will love you. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I will love you. No matter how hard it gets and what we have to go through, I will still love you. Weather you want me to or not, I will love you always." That is what God has said to us, and that is what He wants me to say to others. God's love is not conditional! He loves us no matter what and no matter how we have hurt Him. So one of my new San Jose friends was not calling me back and I was tempted to go back to my "whatever, I don't even like you anymore" attitude. Convicted of this because of my new task from God, I made myself love and pray for them, which actually gave me more love in my heart for that person. I also knew that even thought I was scared, I needed to go back to my people in San Jose. I also know that God was sending me back as a blessing to me. To have so many awesome people all in one place and a church that has the same heart as I do for evangelism, that is definitely a huge blessing.

So in light of all I went through in my mind trying to leave Bakersfield to come home to San Jose, my dream spoke to me in a new way. I saw the robber as the enemy who comes to "kill, steal, and destroy". He broke into my window, which is how I view things, trying to destroy how I viewed friends and coming back to San Jose. He also wanted to come in and steal all my blessings in going back to San Jose and also wanted to kill me, which is his ultimate plan for our lives. But because of that, I called the police, which is a picture of authority which happens to be God in my case. Then as I died I began vomiting which is the purging of old things that should be no more in your life. Death in a dream usually speaks of new beginnings or a new phase in life. I see that because of the enemy trying to attack me and ruin my life, it caused me to draw closer to Jesus and rid myself of all these old ideas that I had about friends that were totally wrong. It also caused me to die to myself and believe God and His plans for me! I feel like Abraham when he left and knew not where he was to go. Seriously guys, I have no idea how long I will be here or what kind of ministry God will have me be a part of. I am currently seeking a part-time job for financial support and know God will open the right door for me. Other than doing what I can everyday, the Lord has ruined my plans so that I would take up His plans. I just know that although I do not know what tomorrow holds for me, God does, and He is faithful!