Weather You Want Me To Or Not, I Will Love You Always

Back in January I had this dream. It was really vivid so I wrote it down not really knowing what to make of it at the time. In this dream there was a robber dressed in black who broke the window of my apartment with a knife. He was trying to break in and steal all my stuff. Well after grabbing the phone to call the police, I ran to another window and was yelling at him to stop and calling for help from the neighbors. As I was doing this I suddenly died and started vomiting. I had a few thoughts that I was going to die before leaving, but having always wanted to be a martyr, this did not bother me too much.

I want to share with you the experience I had leaving Bakersfield to come back to San Jose. Of coarse when I first made the decision to come back I had peace and felt perfect about it. Well the Tuesday I was leaving, I started having all these fearful thoughts and was basically mortified of coming back. You see, there were some pretty amazing friendships that were started and I just knew that if I went back, those friendships would get real. Life always gets real at some point, and that means getting messy. I kinda wanted that awesome experience to stay awesome, but now I was going back to find that maybe it wasn't as great as I thought. Maybe it would all turn out to be a mirage. Well in coming back I didn't have much direction except to go back to the relationships that were started the week I was there, to be a true friend to them, and to love them unconditionally. In that instruction from the Lord however I knew that He was going to have to teach me how to do that. My take on friends has always been conditional. If this person likes me and makes an effort to be my friend, then I will invest in them too and it will be a loving mutual situation. But you see there are times when that person maybe doesn't call me back and isn't paying much attention to me and I feel like they must not want to be my friend and thus stop loving them as such. It made me think about what kind of friend Jesus was to me. How horrible would it be if I was getting too busy in my life, which has happened a lot, and just didn't have much time for Him, so He decided to leave me? "LORD don't leave me alone!" I could never survive without Him! It made me so thankful that He never lets go of us. This phrase came to mind as I was thinking about the Lord's faithfulness to us. "I love you. No matter what you do or don't do, I will love you. No matter what happens or doesn't happen, I will love you. No matter how hard it gets and what we have to go through, I will still love you. Weather you want me to or not, I will love you always." That is what God has said to us, and that is what He wants me to say to others. God's love is not conditional! He loves us no matter what and no matter how we have hurt Him. So one of my new San Jose friends was not calling me back and I was tempted to go back to my "whatever, I don't even like you anymore" attitude. Convicted of this because of my new task from God, I made myself love and pray for them, which actually gave me more love in my heart for that person. I also knew that even thought I was scared, I needed to go back to my people in San Jose. I also know that God was sending me back as a blessing to me. To have so many awesome people all in one place and a church that has the same heart as I do for evangelism, that is definitely a huge blessing.

So in light of all I went through in my mind trying to leave Bakersfield to come home to San Jose, my dream spoke to me in a new way. I saw the robber as the enemy who comes to "kill, steal, and destroy". He broke into my window, which is how I view things, trying to destroy how I viewed friends and coming back to San Jose. He also wanted to come in and steal all my blessings in going back to San Jose and also wanted to kill me, which is his ultimate plan for our lives. But because of that, I called the police, which is a picture of authority which happens to be God in my case. Then as I died I began vomiting which is the purging of old things that should be no more in your life. Death in a dream usually speaks of new beginnings or a new phase in life. I see that because of the enemy trying to attack me and ruin my life, it caused me to draw closer to Jesus and rid myself of all these old ideas that I had about friends that were totally wrong. It also caused me to die to myself and believe God and His plans for me! I feel like Abraham when he left and knew not where he was to go. Seriously guys, I have no idea how long I will be here or what kind of ministry God will have me be a part of. I am currently seeking a part-time job for financial support and know God will open the right door for me. Other than doing what I can everyday, the Lord has ruined my plans so that I would take up His plans. I just know that although I do not know what tomorrow holds for me, God does, and He is faithful!

Going Back To San Jose

Well, I haven't blogged in a while because I have been trying to get my thoughts together so they are understandable. I had such and awesome time in San Jose. I met so may amazing people who love the Lord and was honored to be involved with a rad church that is doing local missions, which is what is obviously on my heart right now. Many people told me not to go including family and friends that don't even live in San Jose. Well I started praying about if I was even supposed to leave or not. I felt like the Lord wanted me to ask from Him a sign. So I asked this sign from God and He did not show me that before I left. So I left. I made it to Bakersfield CA and the first night I was here I started experiencing turmoil about my choice in leaving. I felt like I could not go on unless I was absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing. Not to mention that all my finances pretty much prohibited me from going any further. So I sought the Lord and had even a woman I had met only hours before telling me to go back. You see, I thought that those connections I had made and love that I experienced must have only been because I was passing through. Like I was valuable because I was leaving soon. It's easy to love someone if you know that it will only be for a short time. If I did go back, surely they would realize that I was just like any other and I would find out that everything awesome I had experienced, wasn't real at all. Well my brother in law gave me some scripture to read out of James 3:13-18. He said when I read that I would know which choice was the right one. Also Isaiah 30:21. Well the James one was about wisdom from heaven and how it brought peace and earthly wisdom brought strife. Isaiah is the one that says you will hear the voice of the Lord behind you saying to go this way or that way. As soon as I read it I knew I was supposed to go back to San Jose. At that moment I felt all of that turmoil leave me.

I grew up in an imperfect home with disputes going on around me and struggling just to make ends meet. In my adult years following I had created other struggles because of sinful choices I had made and the consequences that came with them. After having that real experience of a personal relationship with the Lord, which was about 5 years ago now, there were growing pains and other things I was struggling with. Then when I thought the Lord was blessing me with this adventure I had yearned for, the beginning of this experience met opposition and difficulty I had not expected. I was so blessed in San Jose but I guess my thoughts were "if I dedicate my life to following God, it is going to be one struggle after another. I accept that. I welcome it if that means I get to be close to God and fulfill my destiny. Surely God would not bless me with something that would make me so happy as to stay here with all these wonderful new friends." I wish I can say I was like Jacob and held on to that Angel until I got the blessing. But instead I went on thinking God would not bless me so greatly. Well let me tell you my friends, if you lose your life for Christ's sake, you will gain it back! I now see that God really does delight to give His children good gifts. I almost can't believe that God is this good! So gracious toward us! Also I realized that I had been asking for signs forever. I would say, if this happens then I will do that. The Lord took that 3rd party out of the equation and showed me that His word will speak directly to me and I have no need for something else to guide me. I thought the Lord was telling me I should ask for that sign, but I was wrong. He was showing me that I can hear His voice just fine and He will guide my heart at all times. Also He showed me that I need to not get so focused on the "Mission" or the "Ministry" that I loose sight of the One who sent me in the first place. So honestly, I have hesitated in blogging this because I thought people might be disappointed that I wasn't going to Florida right now as my original plan stated. But God is going to be doing amazing things in San Jose and He will not disappoint us! The church has a summer filled with more local outreaches and missions, which means I will have the body to partner with, and I met so many people that have a desire to see people saved. I am praying about all the details like where I will live and work and who to be involved with while I am there in ministry. I am not just going back to life as normal, my mission is still to fervently share the gospel with the lost. I am thinking about just a part time job in some secular place so I can learn how to merge missions with normal life, and still have lots of time for evangelism. I just know that I need to be open to my plans changing and the Lord directing me. Obviously your prayers are coveted and I just know that this is going to be one great summer!!!!!! There has been fruit from the time I was in San Jose and I do believe that there will be much more! I earnestly urge you to be obedient to the Lord! Whatever He is calling you to do! No matter how hard it seems and how scared you are. He wants to bless you beyond your imagination, but you may not find that land of plenty if you never step out to see. You will hear his voice behind you saying which way to go. So go now!!!! Go now!!!!!

I Receive All Things From His Hand

I was watching this movie with some of my new church family down here in San Jose called Defiance. If you haven't seen it I will give you a little overview. I didn't actually watch the whole thing because I was talking on the phone for over half of it. But basically it is about the Jews during the time of WWII I believe, and there was a group of them trying to get away from the Germans. Well they had lost everything and tons of them were killed and even more were dying from sickness. They were out in the forest and even just trying to get food was a risk. Well I walked in near the end of the movie to this Rabi saying a prayer to God. He was saying for God to chose another people because they did not want to go through these tough times any more. Man that hit me like a semi. Just earlier I was saying the end part of that prayer that I didn't want to go through these tough times any more. But it made me realize that there is always a price to pay. I could live the easy life and decide that I didn't want to belong to God, or I can push forward through the pain and know God's hand in my life like few do. It made me realize that if I could trade all the pain I have ever felt for not knowing what I know of my Savior, there isn't a chance in hell I would do it. It gave me fresh conviction that no matter how difficult or ominous the task seems, I need to press in with all my strength and move forward in the calling God put on my life.

I have been so blessed this last week by the fellowship and amazing people here in San Jose. I never expected to meet people I would love so quickly and cherish so deeply. I didn't plan on dealing with pain in leaving this place after just two weeks. I didn't know that God would bless me with the fruit of my labor as He did. But I receive all things from His hand, weather good or bad, and I trust that it is all bringing about more amazing things than I would have ever dreamed for myself. I have been trying to pray all morning and it is so much harder to do it alone. I have done things alone for a long time now but am realizing the weight of that solitude after being able to partner with the Calvary Chapel here. Please please pray for me. Pray that I would have the determination to labor in prayer and that I wouldn't be playing the defence but watching God be victorious. It is going to be a very hard next few days for me. My emotions are frenzied and stress is at a peek. Wash me in Your word Lord Jesus and quiet me with Your love!

God Is Mighty To Save!!!

Praise God!!!!!! I have been working with Calvary Chapel San Jose all week and I just have to say, they have been the biggest blessing to me since I left Oregon! It just so happened, and by that I mean God totally perfectly planned it all out before time began, that they are doing something called the Jerusalem Project while I am here. Basically to preach the gospel in Jerusalem and Judea. They did an outreach to San Francisco last week and this week is San Jose. From the very beginning I knew things were going to go well. The Lord had been speaking to me specific things about evangelism there in SF and when I heard about what the Lord was telling them, it matched up perfectly. On Tuesday we did a prayer walk around the neighborhood and got to pray for some people. We also got to take sandwiches down to a homeless shelter after we went to a mountain top that overlooked the city and prayed for a couple hours. There I got to talk to a guy who had recently been released from prison. He was a gang member and a murderer. I was with a 16 year old girl named Andrea and we shared the gospel with him and spoke to some of his reservations. On Wednesday I would say was the day I felt attacked. I see that the main tactic satan has been using as I prepare to go share the gospel, is that I am completely dissuaded. So that was how I felt. We went to the park and talked to some people, but we also spent a lot of time in prayer. Well yesterday it was all clear why I was feeling that way. It was a battle in the morning as we earnestly prayed for that evening. But we persevered in prayer until the Lord gave us peace and joy. Thursday nights in San Jose they have a gathering called Music in the Park. They have bands that play and vendors selling beer and food. It basically a public party. Well we showed up with something like 1200 bottles of water and boxes of bibles, sandwiches, chips, all kinds of goodies. People flocked and tons of people wanted the bibles too! I still haven't heard all of the accounts of the day but three people that my partner Shelly and I talked to got saved!!! I was so amazing. To see their faces as they received Jesus was beautiful!! There was literally a light in their eyes. Today we handed out fliers and went door to door meeting the people in the neighborhood and invited them to a bar-b-q we are putting on tomorrow. There will be some pro skaters putting on a demo, basketball and volleyball tournaments, and free food. I am excited to see what God will do tomorrow. I am exhausted. Most nights I didn't get home till around 10 pm. But I just had to take advantage of these incredible people at this church! They are all so awesome and it has been my great honor to work beside them. I cant believe that I got so attached but it will be very hard to leave next week. I was telling my sister how perfect it has been here and that I just don't see how it could be this perfect ever again! Oh me of little faith. Well I have so much more to fill you in on like some of the scriptures God used but I am so tired and have to wake and the break of dawn so I will be blogging in more detail in the very near future. Love you all so much and am so thankful for all of your prayers! Isn't it awesome and rad what God did?! He never ceases to amaze me.

The Night Season

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust. O my soul, you have said to the LORD, "You are my Lord, My goodness is nothing apart from You." As for the saints who are on the earth, "They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight." Their sorrows shall be multiplied who hasten after another god; Their drink offerings of blood I will not offer, Nor take up their names on my lips. O LORD, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. I will bless the LORD who has given me counsel; My heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Since I left Oregon I seem to have this dark cloud hanging over me. Every step seems to require concentrated effort and force. I have honestly wondered if I made the right choice in leaving. Even after confirmation upon confirmation and promise upon promise from God I wonder. I feel completely inadequate and unequipped. However, I know that these thoughts do not come from God. They come from my own weakness and from the enemy who seeks to destroy us all. Even in my own faithlessness God is still faithful. Why? That is just who he is. Even in my weakness He chooses mercy for me. "My goodness is nothing apart from YOU!!!" I am humbled by His goodness. I am weak in the knees from His love for me. I am comforted in my sorrow and trust all of His plans for me. The scars He bore are beyond beauty and His broken heart for the hurting and lost are more precious than diamonds. And I love diamonds :)

Last week I did some solo work on the streets of downtown San Jose. I was able to share the gospel with quite a few people and am learning so much about how to share that Good News and the importance of my own personal testimony. Each time I share the Gospel it gets easier and more clear. It is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. I was hugely, wait let me put the right emphasis there, HUGELY, blessed by Calvary Chapel San Jose. They felt like God had them not do foreign missions this year to focus on the local area. They spent last week in San Fran, in the same area I was in even, doing the same kind of relational based evangelism. This week they will be outreaching in San Jose and I will be able to partner with them and I can't even tell you how refreshing it is to be a part of the body here even if only for a short time. I mean, I wasn't even going to come to this area but the Lord kinda pulled me in this direction. I love how He worked all that out so perfect. I was encouraged to hear the account of those who also had gone to SF and experienced the same sort of discouraging thoughts because I realized that was not coming from God. Our hearts will instruct us in the night season and my heart is telling me not to be moved by adversity even though I am having this internal struggle. Last night the reoccurring word from the Lord was prayer, prayer, prayer. I need to be encouraged by God and I can only get that by talking to Him! Without God I am nothing and without his Spirit I am ineffective. I need to be prayerful every moment if I am going to make it through the night season. Please be praying for all of us who will be out there this week. God IS going to do awesome things. Among other things my prayer is that we might humble ourselves before our God to seek from Him a safe journey for us. That God would be glorified and Jesus would be lifted high. That souls would be healed and set free! That emptiness would be filled and that we would walk closely with our God.

San Fracisco to San Jose

So last week I worked really hard to make necklaces and hair clips to sell at the Haight Street Festival. I was hoping to sell out and make some gas money. But, I only sold two necklaces and made 30 bucks. Not what I was hoping for, and really neither was the festival. It was basically a big party scene. Everybody was doing drugs and drinking. There was a guy next to me selling glass pipes and he completely sold out of his stock. Everybody and their mom was buying things from him. And literally someones mom. This 40ish couple came by with pleated khaky pants and a polo shirt tucked in, buying a pipe. All the trannies walking by and addicts gathering together. It was a sad a broken place. It was literally the fringes of society. But, God sees each of their faces and wants to save them all. Unfortunately, most of them don't want to be saved. I did however get to share the gospel with two different people. I remember sitting there asking for God to send me whoever was ready to hear the gospel, it's hard to believe there was only 2 out of thousands! But that is our God isn't it? Leave the flock to find the one lost sheep? There was this really creepy guy that was walking around me when I was out there. Honestly I felt like he was possessed or something. Have you ever seen a video of a shark? Well you know how they don't look at you but sorta just swim by looking scary? That is how this guy looked. He didn't look at me but walked by multiple times and I just got this uneasy feeling of danger. I felt like it was army against army. I began to pray for all the people that those spirits were torturing that they would be set free and for that particular stronghold of satan's to be released. I also felt like he wanted to rob me, and when I put my backpack on and faced him square with a pointed look in my eye, he still had that blank look in his eye. Like he wasn't searching for something specific, just something. It was really scary. But nothing bad happened. God really is watching out for me.

Now I am in San Jose and staying at my aunt and uncle's house. I get to be plugged into electricity!!!! YAY!!! It's weird trying to live in the US as a missionary with just the basics in the middle of American indulgence. We buy anything we want whenever we feel like it. Why doesn't anyone want to hear the gospel? Maybe they are to busy listening to their iPods, I don't know. But as I learn more about missions work here in the US, I am more determined to make a difference. There have been moments where I feel like I am not making progress and that my impact is, at best, minimal in any given area. Granted I do not know the eternal impact of my actions, but we all want to see some kind of outcome from our hard work, right? Well that is my struggle right now. Every place I go I have to forge my way and it can be tiring. This week in San Jose I am looking into partnering with a church to do some outreaches here in the city. I am also trying to find some temp work to make a little gas money. I will admit that Texas seems a little daunting. I would love to go through it having the money I need for gas, but I will have to see how the Lord is going to provide. Apparently my necklaces aren't going to be enough!!!!! Hahahaha. Anyways, so this week I will do some more music and street evangelism and see how things go here. I continue to pray for a harvest and know that no matter what, God called me to this road and He wont leave me!

Everywhere I Send You, You Shall Go

Jeremiah 1:5-10
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. and before you were born I consecrated you, I have appointed you a prophet to the nations. Then I said, "Alas, Lord GOD! Behold I do not know how to speak because I am a youth." But the LORD said to me, "Do not say 'I am a youth' Because everywhere I send you, you shall go. And all that I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, For I am with you" declares the LORD. Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth and the LORD said to me "Behold I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."

This was such an awesome passage to read this morning! I must admit I have been a little fearful the past few days. It took every but of courage in me yesterday just to walk out the front doors into the city. But like all things, as soon as you step out, everything changes. I got to go check out the YWAM SF base yesterday and then I went exploring around the city. I talked to a few people about Jesus which was awesome! One guy said he wanted to marry me and follow me wherever I was going and that he wanted to marry a good Christian woman. I told him I also was looking for a good Christian man. He didn't have a reply to that ;) My guitar is still in the shop but I am going to get it this morning and will play some music and give away coffee out on the street. The guy I talked to down at YWAM was saying that he felt shouting Jesus from the street corner tended to be ineffective. He said most people have an idea of the gospel, but a bad one. Building relationships and being able to speak that truth into their lives while they are receptive to you is the better way. So I will play my music and if I can offer a prayer or have a conversation about Jesus and what He has done for me then I will be happy! I have been working hard making necklaces and hair clips which turns out is a good thing. The Hait Ashberry Festival is this weekend so I will be trying to sell as many as I can! Everybody who has seen them says that is a great place to sell them and I would probably sell out. So pray that I can make a lot more really quickly and that people buy them all up!!! I will leave Sunday night to drive down to San Jose. There I have some family that I can hook up with and my cousin is the president of bound4LIFE, which is a pro-life advocate. I am excited to see what God has for me there as well. But today is going to be awesome and this weekend should be really cool! I am sure I will have plenty of opportunity to share the gospel in the next few days so please pray for all the people I will be talking to. Lord prepare their hearts!!

"Now behold, I have made you today as a fortified city and as a pillar of iron and as walls of bronze against the whole land, to its princes, to its priests and to the people of the land. They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 1:18-19

The Nomad Lifestyle

The nomad lifestyle has taken some getting used to. I think there will probably be times that are easier, like when I can hook up to power and water, and times that will be a little more difficult, like when I am not hooked up. Every little thing I do is a bigger deal than if I had normal facilities. Washing dishes, going to the bathroom, taking a shower. All of those things required me to haul water there and then eventually dump it when I am done. Needless to say I have been trying to do those things as little as possible to keep life simple. I found the need to keep everything extremely organized so if I need to pack up some necessities to go stay somewhere or go do something, I can do it quickly. I have a bucket that catches water from the sink when I use it. It takes the place of a grey water tank that most RVs have and I have to dump it fairly often. So I was driving the other day and stopped at a rest stop to use the restroom, when I look back and see that bucket hanging on Little Miss! I had totally forgotten to take it off. I can't believe it didn't fall off while I was driving because it just hangs on a hook there! Right now I am staying in downtown San Francisco with my friend Aimee. I am beginning to see why the Lord put me here with her. He is teaching me things about human pain and how to speak to it, and how to see past the sin to see the person God is trying to reach. I am thankful for my time here and know that God is teaching me things I need to know while I am here. I have never worked with addicts or the mentally ill before. But God has brought me to two cities filled with them as the first places He wanted me to see. I will go over to the YWAM outreach center today where their main focus is to have a place for these people to go and have a friend who will eventually tell them about Jesus. I pray that it is an awesome time for me over there and that God speaks to me. I am listening Lord. Whatever you want to show me. I only plan on being here for maybe a few more days unless the Lord brings up a ministry opportunity that would hold me here. Today at some point I need to go get my guitar fixed. One of the buttons broke and I have to get a new machine for it. So when that gets fixed I think I will go play some music tomorrow maybe and have some free coffee for people out on the street. That's what I know to do so I will plan for it. The thing I love about making a plan, is that it leaves God open to changing the plan to be what He wants it to be. I know the Lord is teaching me some things that I don't know right now and am open to doing those things. So I will just plan to do what I know and let Him redirect me if He wants to! Yesterday I made necklaces and hair clips to sell. I don't know that I want to sell them tomorrow though. I figure that giving away free coffee and trying to sell my goods should be separate. Well I am going to get ready to go see the guys down at YWAM!!!! Very excited! Praying for God things there today!!!!

First Few Days

So it is Monday night. I left Saturday and made it to a small town called Shasta Lake to a Calvary Chapel there. That night I had a chance to pray for a lady named Helen who said she was going through some hard times. That was awesome. Earlier I met a guy named Gene who wanted me to take him away with me, however, he did not want to hear anything about Jesus. So there I left him! That night I was thankful for the opportunities God gave my that first day to share about Him, but I wanted more. That night I prayed with my sis that the Lord would bring me people ready to know Him! For the Harvest!!! Well I wake up Sunday and walked into that little church and what Scripture do I see on the wall? Oh just the one about the fields being white for harvest and pray the Lord of the harvest would send workers. Ya. And then the bulletin has that same verse on it and the pastor also used it in his sermon! Later that day I was sitting in the hot sun and could actually feel people praying for me! I felt like God was getting a heavenly army prepared for something BIG. So today I drove to San Francisco. I was not planning on coming here. I was going to go straight down to Bakersfield and then cut across the south over to Florida. Well by Godumstance, that is a circumstance that God put together, I ended up here! I have to say I was totally freaked out when I hit 4 lanes of traffic going 70 as I am putzing along at only 45. But you know, I made it ok. There were no accidents. Finally I realized I needed to stop asking God to deliver me from any hardship but instead to pray that God would overcome my fear! Why am I always so afraid and especially when I am about to do something totally rad?
So then my friend takes me to see a couple of her friends who are addicts. Oh you guys it was so sad to see! An entire city plagued by addiction, pain, insecurity, and sin. What in the world can I do Lord? They wont listen to me! What can I tell them? How can I ever show them how much You love them? I don't even understand how much You love them!!! I think it is awesome how God chose this city to be the starting place for this outreach. The pace is set you guys. I don't know yet what God has for me here in San Fran but I feel like I am beginning to see the vision more and more and God is developing my eyes and heart for others. I feel like the grench when his heart grew a little. It takes time but God can do make our hearts bigger! I will go to the YWAM base tomorrow. I actually contacted them a couple years ago because I was interested in going to this one. They have an urban focus which is what caught my eye. So they said I could come down and visit. I decided that I really need to focus on finding other believers to partner with in ministry while I am out here. Being alone and feeling like I don't want to stick out more than I do, I think it is wise to look for other Christians to hook up with along the way. So we will see what this week brings and I thank you all a million times over for all the prayers and I specifically ask that you would pray for awesome ministry oportunities with other Christians. Love you all and miss ya much!
Danelle

On Leaving and Deep, Deep Oceans

Its 24 hours till I leave Medford. I am totally freaked out. My nerves are going crazy and I can't stop thinking a million little things could go wrong. Today I am going to have to be courageous because I am really scared. I am scared of driving over the pass, I am scared of the wind blowing my rig over, I am scared to be going alone. Really, really scared. I keep having these conversations in my head where I go "But what about this? This is really scary!" and then I say "Yes but God is with you. It is going to be fine." Oh Lord. I have a lot to do today so thankfully that should keep my mind occupied. My auntie is coming over to help me also so thank you God! I mean why am I afraid of a mountain when my Daddy is the one who made them? When I told God I wanted to change the world, I didn't realize that He would change my whole world first. So here I come crazy world. We can be changed together!!!!!
I had a conversation with God last night. Not anything where He was audibly speaking to me or anything but I would say something and then imagine what His response would be. I know it sounds crazy but I have to counter act those fearful thoughts somehow you know? Anyways in this conversation I was telling the Lord that there was no way that I could step out into that deep, deep ocean because I would surely droned. He in response told me that I would be walking across the ocean and to believe Him. So tomorrow I will be stepping out onto a deep, deep ocean. Not into the ocean, but onto it. With God all things are possible and all glory goes to Him. I sure can't take it. Look at me, I'm a wreck!

Love is the Heart of my God

Well, only about a week now till I leave! It has been such a great week. Everything coming together and all the last moments with friends. It is a little sad in a way. Like the last episode of a TV series where all the people who were there throughout the season are all in the room looking at you with goodbyes in their eyes. Even the ones who maybe didn't even play a very significant role but they all make up the richness of my history here in Medford. It's funny how we always think there is something better we could be doing. I was talking to a couple of friends that work with kids and found myself longing to work with youth again. Not that I would trade what I am doing now for anything else and maybe it is just because I get distracted easily but for whatever reason, the grass looked greener over there for a moment. But my reality is a hugely blessed one that I cannot deny. I began to journal all the things everybody has done for me in helping me get prepared to leave and it was insanely long. In fact so long that I decided people might get bored reading about every little detail. But the thing that isn't boring about what God had done for me through his people, is undeniably lavishly blessed me. From new tires on my Jeep and trailer along with other safety features people have installed for me, to the small things that are important to me like new paint on the walls and cool rope lights to luminate the interior. I'm telling you, God has a heart of gold for his people.
I was reading through Hosea the past couple weeks and it was droning on and on about how the people were messing up and sacrificing to the Baals and ignoring God and He was angry with them talking about how their sin stank. So I knew there had to be a turning point like the people coming back to God and repenting and everything being all good in the end right? Well what surprised me was one of the most amazing chapters I have ever read in the entire Bible. The chapter itself wasn't the amazing thing though. I could think of probably five chapters I would rather read if I was just going to read one. It was the fact that this chapter was placed among all this sin and forsaking of God. What comes out is one of the most beautiful pictures of the heart of God for his people. Chapter 11 and it was titled in my Bible "God yearns for Israel". God is saying that He loves Israel even though they are not paying Him any attention and didn't even realize that God is the one who healed them. They are following other god's but God himself bent down to feed them. They are immoral people and not turning from their ways. They deserve all God's righteous anger because God is a holy God! But because He loves them so much he will withhold his fury and not pour judgement out on them. Oh what good news!
I think we seriously underestimate God's mercy and love for people. I want to share the true heart of God with the people that I meet on this mission. And yes even though God is mercy and love, He is also judgement and truth. Jesus required people to leave what they were doing to follow Him. Lives were transformed and people were healed yes, but they were called to "sin no more". I believe that God is going to speak to people weather currently saved or not and ask them to leave some things behind in order to follow Him. I was thinking about how much really everybody just wants to be loved. They search all over to find it. I have seen women sacrifice themselves and their children to be with a man who loves them. Yet why can't everybody see how much God loves them? How much God wants to make a big deal about them because He just thinks they are great? Well maybe they need to see somebody make a big deal about sharing that fact with them. So that's what I am doing folks. I want to make a big deal about the gospel because the reality is, it is a big deal! If I have to go through being a little uncomfortable in order to take that good news of great joy to some people, then so be it. I know the Lord is still teaching me some things before I go and I am so thankful, seriously to all of you who have given me so much support and encouragement along the way! Going to rescue people from the enemy does make me a huge target and I continue to ask for you prayer support. Thank you again and I pray God reveals more to you also about His heart for you today!

The Break Down

Last Thursday I was pulling my trailer from Portland to Grants Pass. On the way my Jeep overheated, twice. When I first pulled off to the side of the road I had no idea what was wrong or what to do about it. I was on a mountain that didn't provide me with phone reception so naturally, I began to freak out. This is my journal entry that resulted:

5-21-09

Well I haven't journalled in a while. But now it seems I am forced to as I am broken down on the side of the road with no phone coverage. I am pretty shaky but I opened the hood and am letting the engine cool down. I would have called AAA because there is coolant all over the ground but like I said, I cant make a call. Oh Lord please help me to get through this! Every semi that passes moves my whole trailer with the wind...OK I went and cried about it and I am a little better now. This happened with my last car. When I took it to the mechanic he said there was nothing wrong. So I think I just need to let it cool down and then put some water in it. Now I see the preparation God was doing when my last car broke down. I am so ill equipped. All glory to you Father God. You are way bigger than my situation and command an entire army of heavenly hosts. I know you are here with me now and I trust your plan for my life. I cant say this is the best day ever. It started out on only 2 1/2 hours of sleep at 5:30 this morning. I was in a rush because I am actually, or excuse me, I WAS actually supposed to meet Jeremy in Grants Pass at 1:00 for him to do a quick repair to Little Miss. It is now 2:37. I am thankful that I wont really have any more deadlines after this. I opened my bible to Psalm 60! Again I cried with laughter this time! The people totter and quake, which is exactly what is happening to me! Oh my God save me for help from man is in vain. I must admit I wanted someone to pull over and help me but no one did. On but never doubt that my God is hear to save me!


I was so freaked out sitting there on the side of the road. My first reaction was to call somebody for help and then my second reaction was to find a stranger to help me. God was my third choice. Man what a loser I felt like! But you know God made it so I HAD to come to Him because he wants me to ALWAYS come to Him first. That chapter I read spoke directly to my situation talking about the people tottering while I was literally sitting there tottering. And at the end of it, He told me that He alone could save me. He might use people to come help me at times but it all came from Him. Through getting ready for this trip the Lord has stripped away so many masks that covered the realities in my life. We all know God provides for our financial needs. But when our job that we go to every day is sending us the paycheck, its easy to think that we are the ones who provide that. Its easy to think of it as our money and not His. The first time someone handed me money for this work of the Lord's, it really hit home that it wasn't my money. It really was God's and He really was the one that provided for me. God has broken down walls of security and comfort that I had up to bring me closer to Him and to a greater realization of His provision and greatness.

I'm Off!

Hi Friends and Family,

On June 6^th I will be leaving Oregon to evangelize my way across the US! I have been planning this trip for over a year now, as many of you know. I quit my job about month ago and have been working hard at getting my travel trailer road worthy as well as learning the many skills I will need on the road. I plan on traveling for about a year and a half, going South through Texas and over to Florida. When the weather gets nicer next year I expect to head up the east coast to Maine and then back across the northern states on my return.

My plans have been guided by the Lord since the very beginning. I had some very dear friends that moved from Medford to Florida and loved me so much they told me I should move to be near them. They may have been just being nice, but I decided I would do it. So, I started planning to move to Florida. Bit by bit my ideas began to form into what I now realize is much bigger than a move. At first I was just going to rent a U-Haul to move my stuff to Florida, and then I fell in love with a travel trailer of my own and bought it. I was going to drive it straight to Florida on a quick trip, and now it has turned into a year long trip, stopping all along the way. The most incredible thing for me is that I get to look at these plans I am moving forward with and get behind what God is doing. It wasn’t me that set out to do a missions trip across our great country but it was the Lord who made my path clear.

Already, the Lord has confirmed this through His Word, His people, and by opening doors that, in some cases, I didn’t even know existed. The thing that I was pretty freaked out about at first was the lack of a church body or organization sending me. As I read through the Word about the Great Commission, I realized that it was God who sends us and not a church. My pastor at Caves Christian Fellowship, Jeremy Nehf, along with other brothers and sisters of the faith, are standing behind me in prayer and mentorship as well.

My question to YOU is…..would the Lord have you partner with me? I am asking my friends if they would buy me a meal a month if I needed it. If they answer yes and I can get 30 friends to agree to give $5 a month, or whatever your heart leads, then I would be covered every day of the month by a different person. This is more than just a donation that I am asking for. I want the body of Christ to be united in a work of evangelism even if you yourself cannot go out on the mission field at this time. Not only would you be supporting me monetarily, but partnering with me in prayer.

I will be updating monthly on my progress via my blog and email and am happy to send them by mail also. I am so thankful that you took the time to read this letter and look forward to being in ministry with you! Thank you also to those of you that have already helped me get things moving in my journey. I cannot thank you enough!

Danelle McCoy

(541)690-4434

nomadnelly@gmail.com

www.nomad-nelly.blogspot.com

P.S. I was thinking of leaving from a specific location and time so that way if anyone wanted to see my trailer and pray for me as I leave you would have the chance to say the final goodbye. If you have any time preferences or would be interested get back to me!

You can send support to:

Danelle McCoy

c/o Laura and Taylor Ashland

23251 SW William Ave.

Sherwood, OR 97140

Or go to www.paypal.com and click on the “Send Money” button and insert the following account information (email address): lauragwen@gmail.com